My view on dating for MDUK Trailblazers

My latest blog piece for Muscular Dystrophy UK Trailblazers:

“I’ve learnt that life is not defined by your relationship status and you don’t need a partner to be happy. It doesn’t hurt to keep an eye out though, does it!”

On Dating Diaries Day 2, we hear from Carrie Aimes who talks about why it’s okay to be single.

Read more of her great blog here.

This blog forms part of Trailblazers Dating Diaries, which looks to lift the lid on dating and relationships when having a disability.

I’m not at present in a relationship and that’s fine, that’s okay. I’ve never actively searched for a partner – dating sites in particular just aren’t for me. In fact, dating isn’t for me if I’m honest. Pretty socially awkward at the best of times, the whole dating thing feels far too daunting a prospect. It just seems so forced and unnatural. Of course it serves its purpose and is a means to an end. But knowing myself as I do I think I would just fail miserably!

A fairly solitary character, I like my own space, I like being able to do as I please, when I please. And I most definitely couldn’t bear to share my bed, it’s my haven!

As is the case for many with muscular dystrophy, much of my time is lost to frequent and prolonged bouts of respiratory illness and fatigue, which doesn’t exactly lend itself to dating or a cohabitative relationship.

I live with my parents in their home which is not exactly the dream for a 28 year-old woman. So privacy and finding time for myself is enough of an issue without adding another person to the mix.

Yes it’s the norm for those my age to be settled in relationships or even married, as most of my friends are. Perhaps my choice to remain single for the time being (and it is a choice) is selfish. But why not be selfish. This is my life and right now I’m content with things as they are. Relationships are hard work, they require you to compromise and invest your time and energy. At present, I’m just not willing to share myself with anyone.

This isn’t to say I’m not open to the possibility of meeting someone spontaneously, as I have found tends to be the best way. But if it doesn’t, I’m totally cool with that. I’ve learnt that life is not defined by your relationship status and you don’t need a partner to be happy. It doesn’t hurt to keep an eye out though, does it!

[Un]dateables

I recently wrote a piece for Muscular Dystrophy UK about the Channel 4 show The Undateables which you can find here.

However, here is my unedited version…

Last week Channel 4 aired the final episode of its reality series The Undateables, a dating show for disabled people. For those who are unfamiliar, individuals with any disability are invited to appear on the show, now in its sixth season. With the help of dating agencies and personal introduction services, they take part in blind dates, speed dating and match-making in the hope of finding love.

Now I’ve seen almost every episode since it premiered in 2012 and I have to say I am a fan. I appreciate the mounting controversy surrounding the show, particularly within the disabled community, although I disagree with much of the negative criticism. For this reason, as someone with a physical disability myself, I though it time to put forward my point of view.

Firstly I’d like to point out that all participants have applied of their own free will. Following their appearances, all have reported a positive experience, even those who did not find love as a direct result of the show. Tammy from series 5 says, “I put myself forward for The Undateables. At no point during filming did I feel like I was being used for entertainment. It’s an entertaining show [but] we all just want to find someone who loves us for us.”

The program has been invaluable and life changing for many, leading to long term relationships, marriage and babies. Furthermore, despite the claims of some, disabled individuals have not been coupled exclusively with other disabled people. For example, Brent with tourettes married his able-bodied date Challis, and Steve with Crouzon syndrome married able-bodied Vicky whom he met on Twitter after the show gave him much needed confidence – he remains friends with his able-bodied date from the show. Then there’s Carolyne from the first series whose childhood sweetheart left her when she became paralysed following a spinal cord lesion. She later met Dean who is also able-bodied. The couple had their first child together in 2014. These are just a few of the many success storie

Some critics have called into question the editing, which it can be argued is an issue with any reality show. However, taking into consideration the accounts offered by the participants themselves, it would seem to me that great care has been taken to ensure fair and accurate representation. Again, personally I have no issue with the tone or editing and have never found it to be exploitative, patronising, sensationalist or insincere. Quite the opposite in fact, I feel The Undateables realistically and positively depicts a range of disabilities thereby raising awareness and breaking down social barriers.

James, who has Asperger’s took part in the show last year. He told ITV’s This Morning, “It provides a lot of education on a wide range of things, not just conditions… The fact that people will tune in knowing they will learn a bit more, maybe take away the stigma, is a very positive thing. It paints a very positive picture of British audiences.”

The format itself is understandably a contentious issue: why is it not the norm for disabled people to participate in mainstream dating shows such as First Dates, also a product of Channel 4, and ITV’s Take Me Out? Why must the disabled community be confined to a show exclusively for them? There is no definitive answer, though I would argue that it comes down to choice and demand.

As previously stated, those that partake make the choice to do so. Many have learning disabilities and are supported by family, friends and caregivers, as viewers will know. Therefore to suggest they are being taken advantage of by producers, which some critics have, I feel implies that these people are not able to form rational decisions and make up their own minds. This is inaccurate and unjustified. Secondly, the show is now in its sixth year which proves there is continuing demand from both the viewing public and applicants eager to find love, friendship and companionship as others have on the program.

I have found that questions such as the aforementioned are regularly posed, more often than not by those with disabilities rather than those without. This indicates to me that in fact it is not predominantly the able-bodied community who have issues with the show. Yes you may hear the occasional ‘bless them’, ‘aw how sweet’ and ‘good for them’ from able-bodied viewers – how very dare they indeed! But to conclude that this is a form of ‘inspiration porn’is in my opinion, vastly overstretching the mark. I take issue with the term ‘inspiration porn’, particularly in relation to The Undateables. Frankly even if viewers are in some way inspired by the determination and go-getting attitude of those they see on the show, why is this so awful? Paralympians are equally as inspiring as Olympians. Yet there are some, particularly in the disabled community who deem this to be ‘inspiration porn’. That is to say people draw inspiration from disabled athletes solely due to their disability rather than their sporting achievement, as well as to feel better about their own lives. I think this is nonsense and insulting to both the able-bodied and disabled.

I cannot speak for the entire viewing public obviously, but I have watched with friends, family and associates over the years and the feedback has always been one of support and genuine happiness for the love seekers. Not one person I have spoken to has ever indulged in this so called ‘inspiration porn’ to, as critics say, make them feel better about themselves. Frankly this is the one accusation that frustrates me the most. I could go on and on with this point but I fear I may lose you (assuming I haven’t already that is).

Okay the title. Are Channel 4 saying that we, the disabled are undateable? Put simply, no. Producers have themselves stated that the title is to challenge this common misconception within society. Furthermore, as viewers will know, during the opening sequence of each episode, the prefix clearly falls from the word dateables, thus indicating the contrary.

The show itself is proof that no one is undateable, an eye opener to many viewers who might have previously thought otherwise or have just never considered the fact that like them, we too want love. For one reason or another, there remains a section of society that has never encountered anyone with a disability. Through no fault of their own, they as a consequence may be ignorant to the needs, desires and feelings of disabled people. I think The Undateables is great way to introduce this concept to such individuals. As James with Asperger’s says, the show is successfully removing stigma and raising awareness.

I have an older brother with complex learning disabilities and so I’m able to draw from his perspective in addition to my own. He has expressed a keen interest in appearing on The Undateables and my family and I would be more than happy for him to do so. Neither of us feel alienated, uncomfortable, ridiculed or patronised by the show. I do appreciate the criticism but for those who bother to watch it with an open mind, I believe you will find it to be well meaning, sincere and sympathetic. Those involved have benefitted, it has given others in similar circumstances the confidence to look for love, and it has made society realise that we all have basic human needs and desires, and the right to pursue them.

It’s easy for viewers to criticise on social media, having watched only one or none of the episodes. But I implore you, ask the participants. Their response says it all, for me anyway. It seems to me the majority of negative critics haven’t actually seen the show and are therefore judging it superficially. It is certainly not a freak show and is not treated as such.

The dating agencies, often run by the parents or relatives of those with disabilities, aim to match clients based on common interests. Disabled people are not merely bundled with others with similar disabilities. To assume so says more about those who think this than anyone involved with The Undateables.

So finally, I urge the harsher critics out there to actually WATCH (preferably more than once!) before judging so narrow-mindedly. Maybe even remove that chip off your shoulder (sorry, couldn’t help it 😉).

Who knows if Channel 4 will commission another series of the popular show. Based on viewing figures I’m guessing it’s more than likely they will. And, if so I’ll be watching.