Turning 30…

Though I’d rather not admit it, I have a pretty big birthday coming up. In just over a week, I turn 30! It might not seem like much of a milestone to most people. But for those of us with muscular dystrophy, 30 is a big deal.

I’ve never really considered or cared much about age. Getting older has never bothered me, and I didn’t think I’d be fazed by reaching the big 3-0. But I’ll be honest, it is getting to me…just a little.

For various reasons, I’m not a fan of my own birthday at all. I’d rather it went unacknowledged and unnoticed. I hate any form of attention and am much happier when the focus is on other people. I’m definitely more of a hide in the corner type!

Back in October, I went on a five-day cruise to Amsterdam and Bruges, to celebrate my birthday. There are no other upcoming plans (at least, none that I’m aware of).

Those closest to me know I don’t like surprises (perhaps I am a bit of a control freak). So, if anything, all that’s left to come is a small family gathering – basically Sunday roast with the folks, the brothers, my sister-in-law and baby nephew. And that suits me just fine!


Muscular Dystrophy ~ A Life-limiting Condition

Accept it or not, the sad fact is, muscular dystrophy is a life-limiting condition. I’m aware of others who were told by medical professionals that they shouldn’t expect to live beyond the age of 20 (if that). In contrast, my parents and I were never given any indication whatsoever of my life expectancy. At no point were we told, ‘Carrie won’t reach adulthood’. Perhaps my consultants were being overly cautious. Perhaps they were just clueless! (I suspect the latter).

In a way, this allowed me to grow up in a state of blissful ignorance. For a long time, I believed I had just as much chance of growing old and wrinkly as the next person. It wasn’t until my late teens that I realised this wasn’t the case.

Now, I don’t want to get all deep and downbeat – just trying to keep it real (on the advice of certain people. You know who you are!).

Essentially, for better or worse, life has taught me to expect nothing. Expectation often leads to disappointment. These days, I try to go with the flow, I don’t make long-term plans or look too far into the future. I prefer to focus on the here and now.

Right now, I’m going to hold on to my youth for as long as possible by continuing to laugh at silly, childish things. I’m all about laughing, playing and having fun – believe me, I’ve had more than my fair share of serious!

And to anyone who doesn’t know otherwise, I’ll soon be 25, not 30 ~ thank’ya muchly!


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Disability & Identity

I was recently invited to participate in a Quality of Life Study, conducted by students at Sheffield University. The ‘Living Life to the Fullest’ research project is aimed at young people (18-30) with life-limiting or life-threatening impairments.

Although data provided by participants is anonymous, I thought the questions asked, along with my personal perspective, might be of interest to some of you.

Below is an extract from my interview. I’d be really interested to know your views and how you might answer…


Do you think the general public hold an accurate understanding of disability? Why or why not?

No, I don’t. I think people who have never had any particular connection or interaction with disabled people lack the knowledge, experience and empathy required to hold an accurate understanding of disability. Furthermore, I think there’s a lack of awareness of how diverse disability is and how many people it actually affects.

I also think people’s perceptions of disability are heavily influenced by the depictions they see in the media. Depictions of disabled people played by able-bodied actors can be very misleading for various reasons. Quite often these portrayals are ‘airbrushed’ and sentimentalized.

The next topic is about your relationship with yourself. Do you have a strong sense of identity? What factors contribute to your identity?

I’m really not sure to be honest. I guess that implies that I don’t have a strong sense of identity. I’ve never really given this question much thought.

I’m not a fan of labelling or categorizing people. At the end of the day, we are all very different, unique individuals.

I guess, in the simplest terms, I am a daughter, a sister, an auntie and a friend. Despite the fact that I often blog about certain aspects of my life, I am actually a very private person who prefers to remain anonymous (or at least, as anonymous as possible).

I identify as somewhat of an introvert. I am incredibly insecure and self-conscious (painfully so) due to my physical disability and the presence of my powered wheelchair. I do feel like people look at the chair before they see me.

I’m very much aware of how different I look compared to ‘normal’ able-bodied people, and how others view and perceive me because of this. I think, because I am so lacking in confidence, my sense of self and identity is negatively impacted.

I am much better at thinking, talking about and dealing with other people and their problems versus my own!

Do you identify as disabled? Has this changed over time?

Yes, I do identify as disabled, though my disability does not define me as a person. I have no problem with the term, nor being referring to as a disabled person. It is simply a matter of fact. In the same way I would describe myself as a white, British female, I am also physically disabled.

I have Ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy. There is no hiding or escaping from it, therefore I choose to accept and embrace it.

Since I began blogging, I have noticed a lot of discussion, within the disabled community, regarding the topics of terminology and semantics. There are those who take offence at being identified as, or even labelled ‘disabled’. Some may prefer terms such as ‘differently abled’. (Personally, I find this descriptor a little ridiculous and would never refer to myself as ‘differently abled’). Then again, there are those who don’t consider their impairment to be a notable part of their identity at all.

My view on this has remained consistent throughout my life. My condition is congenital, meaning that I have lived with it from birth and have always been aware of it. I am disabled. In all honesty, I really wish I wasn’t! But the fact is, I am. To me, there’s really no point in denying or ignoring this part of my identity.

You’ve mentioned your thoughts around how others perceive you and how you therefore perceive yourself. Does how you think others perceive you (or even how you perceive yourself) change depending upon context (e.g. at work; with family; with friends)?

I think the way others perceive me varies depending on context. If I’m out and about amongst the general public – for example, shopping with friends – I do notice looks and stares from strangers. It can be bothersome. Some people are so indiscreet and don’t think twice about glaring!

Complete strangers have approached me in the street, clearly feeling entitled to pass judgement and make offensive and inappropriate comments regarding my disability. For instance, a man once asked if I believe in God. Put on the spot (and obviously quite shocked) I hastily answered, ‘no’. He then told me that is the reason I am in a wheelchair!

However, for the most part, I don’t take offence at people looking or staring, so long as they are respectful. I appreciate that by nature, people are inquisitive. All of us, myself included, are curious about anything considered different or not the norm. For this reason, I will happily answer disability-related questions from people who are polite and considerate.

I can’t speak on their behalf but in general, I think (or assume) my family don’t even see my disability. I’m just Carrie. The only time it really smacks them in the face (so to speak) is when I get ill.

In terms of how I perceive myself, I think this is fairly consistent regardless of context. I am very self-deprecating and self-critical. Essentially, I have always wanted to fit in, especially during my school years. I want to be able to do all the things able-bodied people can. I want to be independent, to drive, to walk, to run, to be spontaneous and do things without having to plan or rely on others.

This research project is about young people with ‘life-limiting’ or ‘life-threatening’ impairments ( LL/LTIs), the next questions surround living with that.
What does ‘life-limiting’ mean to you?

I consider myself to have a life-limiting condition (Ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy). I have come to terms with the fact that my disability will inevitably impact how long I live. Although people with the same condition are now living longer thanks to various treatments and medical intervention, life expectancy is still much shorter than the average person.

I dread winter and all the viruses circulating throughout the community. Every time I get a cold it leads to a chest infection. For me this is very serious since it often develops into a more complex issue. Many times over the years, I have been admitted to hospital with respiratory complaints including pneumonia, pneumothorax (collapsed lung) and pleurisy.

*I did elaborate further during my interview, though for personal reasons, I have chosen not to include the rest of my answer here.

Does this impact any decisions you make?

YES! All of my decisions. I had a particularly bad bout of pneumonia in 2013. It took many months for me to recover and was incredibly difficult to overcome, both physically and mentally. At that point, my priorities changed.

Up until then I had been pursuing my aims of moving out of my parental home, and finding employment….but after realising how fragile my body actually is, I decided to end the lengthy quest for accommodation – an incredibly stressful quest that I had been struggling with for over two years, without assistance!

My primary focus now is health and happiness. I have to do what is best to protect and care for my body.

*I have chosen to remove parts of my original answer to this question.

Do you feel like it is important to set goals? And does anything stop you from doing this? Are your goals are shaped by what support is assumed to be/not be available or by the support you currently receive?

My mother keeps encouraging me to set goals, like aiming for at least one holiday per year. She wants me to make the most out of the time I have – however long or short – which I understand and agree with.

In August 2017, my first nephew was born. This has been the biggest motivation for me to keep going – to pursue good health, happiness and to embrace life!

I am so much happier since he was born – everyone has noticed. I often say, I hope to live long enough to see him grow up. I want most of all for him to remember me. So this is my biggest goal.

This question is rather pertinent as I currently have only one part-time PCA (personal care assistant). She is very young and hates driving my wheelchair accessible vehicle. As a result, I feel very isolated and excluded from society. I would like to be able to get out, to meet friends and go to events. But right now I am unable to, as I don’t have the support in place.

You have talked about not being able to get out of the house. Would you say you ever feel lonely or that you miss out because of your disability?
Do you miss out more because of your own health problems or accessibility issues?

Yes, definitely. There are times I feel lonely even though I am by nature quite a solitary person. I am more than happy with my own company – it’s a good job, really!

I’m not a fan of social media at all. But like it or not, for me it is a lifeline. Without it, I would feel incredibly isolated. I mostly use Facebook Messenger in order to stay in touch with friends and to meet others in a similar position to myself.

Health problems as well as accessibility issues contribute to missed opportunities. So many times I have made plans, then had to cancel due to ill health – usually chest infections. Because of this, I am now very reluctant to make future plans for fear of disappointment.

For example, I finally managed to book tickets for the Strictly Come Dancing, January 2017 tour. I was so excited and had looked forward to it for months. I then caught a severe chest infection and was unable to go. It may sound dramatic but I was gutted. I had tried to get tickets for years but couldn’t, as the limited accessible seating was always sold out.

What worries you about your future with a complex condition? What would you say is your biggest worry?

I worry most about my health and my ability to fight respiratory illness. As a kid, when I got a chest infection I would need a course of antibiotics and a week off school to recover. However, as I have aged, the duration of these illnesses has gradually increased. They have become much more complex to treat too. These days, it takes everything I have to overcome a chest infection. I worry about how many more times I am able to do it and therefore what I might miss out on in life.

How has your family been impacted (for better or worse) by your disability? For example, has it affected them financially or affected your relationships with them? How do you feel about this?

Wow – there is no end to how much my family has been impacted by my disability!

Yes, very much financially. For one thing, I have a ground-floor bedroom/bathroom extension that was built in 2000. Back then, my parents’ income was assessed. They were entitled to a partial grant, though this was a very small sum. In order to fund the build, they had to take out a second mortgage.

Holidays are MUCH more expensive than they would be for the average family. Medical insurance and the need for accessible accommodation, plus equipment hire makes vacationing rather costly.

Essential mobility equipment such as manual and powered wheelchairs are a huge expense!

Furthermore, my parents are affected physically (owing to many years of lifting and manual handling) and emotionally. Obviously they are aware of the fact that my condition is life-limiting, even though this is not discussed. When I am hospitalised, my whole family experience a great deal of distress.

Relationships are inevitably affected. At the age of 29, I still live with my parents in their home, and we are very much in each others pockets. They remain my primary source of support. I am unable to escape when disputes occur – to go for a walk or a drive in order to ease tension and let off steam. This I find incredibly frustrating.

What makes for a good community in regards to disability?

I’m really not sure how to answer this question. Sadly, I don’t think this can ever be fully achieved, as there will always be prejudice, ignorance and exclusion. I think crucially, there needs to be greater awareness, familiarity and education so that disability becomes part of the norm. We need to work in unity to break down barriers and make disability socially acceptable.

How do you feel about dating with a disability? Do you think it is harder when you’re disabled?

It is definitely harder with a disability – or so I have found. I think one of the biggest obstacles is the initial meet and greet stage.

We (disabled people) face assumptions, social prejudice and environmental limitations e.g. Access to buildings and public transport – thus making dating all the more challenging. Then there are our own physical limitations.

I am completely non-ambulant, I have contractures, a severe scoliosis and overall muscle degeneration. These physical limitations have made me overtly self-conscious, socially awkward and anxious when meeting new people.


Thanks for reading! If you found this interesting, leave a comment and share so that others can join in the discussion.

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Get To Know Me | Interviewed by Wheelescapades

I recently collaborated with fellow disability and lifestyle blogger Gemma Orton, aka Wheelescapades, on a ‘20 Questions‘ blog post.

We initially got chatting on social media and found we had a few things in common ~ We’re both arty/crafty types, we have a mutual love for all things Disney, and we are both wheelchair users. Gemma has Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 2 (SMA2), while I have Ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy.

To get to know each other even better, we gave each other free rein to ask 20 personal questions!

Here you can find my previous post, in which I interview Gemma.


And below are my answers to Gemma’s 20 questions…

1. What made you decide to write a blog?

I had been thinking about it for a long time, though it took me several months to begin. I wanted to do something productive and worthwhile but didn’t think anyone would care or be interested in what I have to say.
They say you should write what you know. I have been disabled since birth and so consider this my expert subject. However, disability isn’t a particularly popular or fashionable topic to blog about. I knew it would be a challenge and it has been. I do feel like I’m constantly playing catch-up and at times I wonder if it’s worth the time and effort. But when I receive positive responses from complete strangers, I am reminded why I’m doing it.

2. What do you want your blog to achieve?

I want to raise awareness of muscular dystrophy, particularly Ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy which is the rare and little-known form that I have. I want to share my thoughts and experiences, having lived my whole life as a physically disabled individual, in the hope that it may in some way help others.

3. What is the most difficult thing for you about having a disability?

Blimey, I could write a list! There are many challenges and frustrations. My condition is progressive and so the difficulties become greater with age. I think perhaps, for me, the most difficult thing about living with Ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy, is the limitations it inflicts. I am limited physically – I cannot run, dance, walk or even weight-bear. Just to be able to stand and support my own weight would make a world of difference! I am life-limited! Yes, UCMD is a life-limiting condition. I will not grow old or see my new baby nephew become an adult. Furthermore, my quality of life is limited. To put it briefly, when I am ill I’m REALLY ill. I have spent much time in hospital with respiratory related issues including repeated bouts of pneumonia, pleurisy, and a collapsed lung. I have literally lost months of my life to UCMD – housebound, unable to eat and reliant on non-invasive ventilation.

4. What is the biggest positive about having a disability?

The positives are much more light-hearted! Concessions, being able to skip to the front of the queue and designated parking (although disabled bays are often occupied by sports cars lacking a blue badge!)

5. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be?

Hmm, tricky! I do like variety. I guess I’d have to choose… mash potato?! That way I could always mix it up by adding herbs from the garden (or is that cheating??)

6. An apocalypse is imminent, you have 30 minutes to prepare, what 3 items do you pack?

Well, I guess if the apocalypse is coming then it doesn’t really matter as we’re all doomed anyway?! But, I think I would still pack a bottle of Lucozade (I live on it! Purely for the energy boost), my dog and my family!

7. When making tea would you pour the milk or water in first?

Water!

8. What is your favourite way to relax?

I like to shut myself away, snuggle up in bed or on the sofa, and listen to music or watch a good film.

9. If you could interview any human, dead or alive, who would it be and what would you ask?

Wow, I really don’t know. God! (who I don’t believe in – what a cop-out) He has a lot to answer for.

10. What would be your dream job?

I’m one of those people who never knew what they wanted to do. I’ve never been career focused or academically ambitious. All I ever wanted was to have kids! But, if I could be absolutely anything, I think I’d be a dancer. I’ve always loved everything about dance. And yes, I’m a huge Strictly fan!

11. You’ve just won 10 million pounds (congratulations!), what 3 things would you do with the money?

Sort my family out – erase any debts and buy them homes, cars and whatever else they might need or want. Make sure my closest friends are comfortable! Buy a holiday home(s). And finally, a home for myself, FULLY adapted!

12. Where in the world would you most like to visit and why?

Australia. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to visit Australia. The snakes are a little off-putting but still, that’s where I’d head to first. Closely followed by America. I’d absolutely love to do a road trip – Route 66!

13. What one thing would you change about yourself?

Only one?! Again, I could write a list. Buy I’d have to say my body. It doesn’t work too well and I’m flipping uncomfortable in it!

14. If you could play any part in a film, past or future, real or fiction, who would you be?

Men get all the really great roles! So, if I were male I think I’d play the Joker in The Dark Knight. How much fun would that be! Since I’m not a man, I’d play… I don’t know!! Maybe one of the sisters in A League of Their Own (1992) or Uma Thurman’s roles in either Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill.

15. If there was a pill that would freeze you at your current age and you could live forever as you are now, would you take it? And why?

Nope, definitely not. I wouldn’t want to live forever. It would get pretty boring after a while! Plus outliving all my family and friends would be hell.

16. If you could trade lives with one person for an entire day who would it be and why?

My brother. He has the life I’ve always wanted. He is physically fit, handsome, funny, charming, popular, successful and he has a lovely wife, baby and home. Of course I don’t resent him for it and I want nothing more than for him to be healthy, happy and fulfilled. But to experience his life for just one day would be bliss. I’d never ask for anything else.

17. If you could time travel, where would you go?

Good question. There are so many periods throughout history that I’d like to visit. But it would be great to go back around 50 years, when my parents were kids and my grandparents were young. I never knew my maternal granddad who died when I was a baby. So I’d especially love to meet him.

18. If you were made Queen and allowed to pass one new law, what would it be, and why?

Argh, the pressure! I have no good answer to this. So I think I’ll just say longer sentences and harsher punishments for serious crimes. There really is no deterrent in this country.

19. What personal trait has gotten you in the most trouble?

Voicing my opinion and failing to filter! Over the years I have become more outspoken and more impassioned about certain issues. I tend to over-analyse and question everything. Oh and I am rather stubborn. If I believe something in something, I won’t budge.

20. As a child, what did you wish to become when you grew up?

Just happy I guess. As I said before, I never had a particular job or career in mind. I’ve considered various options and ideas over the years. But all I ever really wanted was a home and a family of my own. That’s it. Not much to ask, eh?

I don’t think it is.


I really hope you enjoyed this collaboration with Wheelescapades. Let me know in the comments.

I’d also love to hear from you and find out how you would answer these questions!


To keep up to date with Gemma, go and check out her blog and connect with her on social media.

https://wheelescapades.com/

https://twitter.com/gemmaorton

https://www.instagram.com/wheelescapades/

https://www.facebook.com/wheelescapades/