“Why Would Anyone Want Me?” | Life With Disability & Chronic Illness

A photo of me, a young white female with long brown hair and blue eyes. I am seen from the shoulders up and I am looking straight ahead. I am not smiling
Me, aged 33

“I can’t see why anyone would want me”

As a disabled blogger, this is by far the most common message I receive from readers and followers – particularly those in their twenties, living with disabilities and chronic illness.

For anyone out there who has ever felt this way, I get it. I hear you!

Born in 1988 with a rare progressive condition (Ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy), I’ve personally struggled with various insecurities and a lack of self-worth my whole life.

For me, the belief that “no one would ever want me” was fuelled by cruel comments, ignorance and exclusion.

Growing up, I felt invisible, unseen, overlooked, and yet, painfully inescapably obvious to all. I wanted to hide away, and, at the same time, longed for someone to notice me. To see me, the person beyond the disability.

A photo of me, aged 15, with blonde hair and sad, sallow eyes. I'm looking straight at the camera. I have my hand to my mouth.
Me, aged 15

I was one of only two disabled students at a mainstream high school, surrounded by 700 able-bodied kids. I stuck out like a sore thumb! I was the anomaly. And, I was ever-aware of it.

Seated in my manual wheelchair, unable to transfer, weight-bear or self-propel, completely reliant on others for mobility, I felt helpless, useless, a burden.

At 13, during the month of May, I was admitted to hospital with pneumonia. One of many bouts throughout my life. I didn’t tell anyone at school. No one noticed my absence. No one asked. It seemed, no one cared.

Experiences such as this further exacerbated my introversion, isolation, my mistrust in others and the overwhelming thought that I was better off alone. You can only really rely on yourself, right?

My health has always been, for lack of a better word, crap! Deteriorating with the progression of time. It is an incredibly limiting factor. So too is relying on carers. I can’t get myself in or out of bed, I can’t dress or undress myself, I can’t drive, or work. What do I bring to the table?

Me, aged approx 30, sat in a hospital waiting room wearing a face mask
Me, aged approx 30, sat in a hospital waiting room wearing a face mask

Spontaneity, what’s that? Everywhere I go, everything I do must be pre-planned. And often, those plans fall through when my chronic fatigue forbids me from leaving my bed for the entire day.

It’s no fun! It’s beyond frustrating and bloody miserable at times.

Why would anyone choose this life? Why would anyone choose to be with me? What can I offer?

I’ll be honest with you, these questions continue to plague my thoughts every now and then. Like a lingering grey cloud that will never pass by entirely.

A selfie of me, looking in the mirror, seated in my powered wheelchair. I have long, mid-brown hair and I'm wearing a grey cardigan and white leggings. In this photo, I am aged 33
Me, in my Sunrise You-Q Luca powered wheelchair. Aged 33

Yes, I’ve had romantic relationships. Some good, some not so good. I’ve dated both able-bodied and disabled guys.

My brief stint on dating app Hinge was an experience! Guys can be shamelessly brutal, often telling me I’m no one’s type and they wouldn’t consider dating a disabled girl. Though tough to hear, I was never surprised, nor do I bear any resentment.  Everyone has freedom of choice and can date whoever they want. I never felt any desire or inclination to convince anyone of my worth.

I won’t lie, my health issues and physical disability did present challenges, cause tension and resentment within relationships. Things were said that are forever imprinted in my memory.

The saying goes, “love is all you need”. I don’t believe this to be true. I think trust, loyalty and the ability to care for someone even in the darkest of times is arguably more important.

Love was very much present in one of my previous relationships, but deep down, I knew it wouldn’t last because I couldn’t rely on him. He was all in on the good days. But on the bad days – my bad days – it became increasingly clear that he wasn’t invested. He couldn’t cope. Love alone wasn’t enough.

A photo of me taken from behind - my face cannot be seen. I am at Whitby, looking out to the sea. I am seated in my powered wheelchair. My hair is tied up in a messy bun. In this photo, I am aged approximately 27
Me, in my Quantum powered wheelchair, aged approx 27

I don’t want to feed you empty clichés or try to convince you it will all work out in the end; that there’s someone for everyone. Because relationships are hard, even without the added complexities of a disability or chronic illness!

What I will say, what I want to emphasise to anyone reading this, is to focus on your relationship with yourself. Be kind to yourself, prioritise your health, your wants and needs. Stop worrying about what others may or may not think of you. Does it really matter?

A black and white graphic image of a male wheelchair-user kissing the hand of a female wheelchair-user

When you do meet someone who is worthy of you, (yes, we’re ALL worthy of love, affection and intimacy), don’t try to hide your struggles and insecurities. Be open, honest and real with them. Let them see you at your very worst.

Some will cut and run. You will face rejection. We all do. This is part of life. Don’t waste your tears over these people. Trust me, it’s not worth it!

It’s easy to find friends and lovers when you’re young, fit, able and care-free.

But, this is where those of us living with debilitating conditions hold the advantage (lucky us!). Because our lives are far from easy and care-free. We can trust that the people who choose to be with us, no matter what, truly do care.

Darker Days & Silver Linings

Happy Halloween, folks!

As much as I love the spooky season, I’ll be glad to see the end of October this year.

I fell ill on the first Saturday of the month, and I’m still not fully recovered.

It’s now over 4 weeks since I left the house, or saw anyone other than immediate family and carers.

For me, this isn’t unusual. Prolonged periods of chronic illness and isolation are, unfortunately, all too familiar.

A simple cold can very quickly progress into pneumonia – a frequent occurrence over the years, resulting in lengthy hospital admissions.

The vast majority of people don’t understand how I can be so ill for so long. Why would they? It’s hard to comprehend something you’ve no knowledge or experience of.

Muscular Dystrophy

This is why my primary aim is to inform and raise awareness of the rare condition, Ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy.

Most so-called medical professionals are totally clueless. It’s therefore no surprise that I’m met with blank faces when telling people about my disability.

Muscular Dystrophy? What’s that?

Explaining the ins and outs of my condition and how it affects me, can be exhausting. But it’s also important.

I’m almost 34, and, for me, the most debilitating and frustrating part of my disability is the daily fatigue and impact on my respiratory health.

As the saying goes, ‘health is wealth’.

Living with Chronic Illness

It can be incredibly difficult to remain optimistic when living with a progressive condition and chronic illness.

This past month has been tough!

Following three decades of cancelled plans, missed opportunities, and life on pause, here are a few things I’ve learnt:

1. Never make decisions when at your lowest.

2. Try not to withdraw or push people away. Knowing I’m unable to commit to plans, it can be easier to distance myself from people to avoid letting them down.

3. Reach out to loved ones.

4. Find joy in simple things.

5. Don’t waste valuable time, energy and effort on that which doesn’t serve you.

6. Set goals and make plans!

7. Focus on what and who matters most to you.

I Caught Covid

For the past three weeks, I’ve been battling Covid, having tested positive on 27th October. I was, in fact, due to receive my booster jab the following day. Bloody typical! Despite being double vaccinated, the virus hit me hard, really hard.

A selfie, taken on 24th October – the day I caught Covid-19

Physically disabled from birth, I’m one of the many considered ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’.

My condition, Ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy, is rare, progressive and affects lung function. This is made worse by a spine that’s as crooked as a question mark and a squashed torso.

I’ve always been a “sickly kid”, susceptible to respiratory viruses, which become more and more difficult to overcome, the older I get.

Throughout my 32 years, a considerable amount of time has been spent in hospital. I’ve endured several bouts of pneumonia, pleurisy and a collapsed lung. Furthermore, my immune system is very much suppressed and affected by at least 15 surgeries under general anaesthetic – I stopped counting after a while.

It’s fair to say, my fragile, little body has taken a battering. And I am tired.

These days, it takes at least a month before I even begin to improve. Life quite literally comes to a stop. Once symptomatic, I become dependent on my BiPap ventilator 24/7. I go from bed, to chair, to bathroom. And that is how I exist. Time becomes meaningless and the days merge into one.

~ I’m not including photos of myself whilst ill because, well, I don’t want to. I don’t have the energy or interest for selfies, and, I don’t want pity. I don’t allow anyone other than my parents to see me in this state, it’s simply personal choice. ~

Few people really empathise and grasp the seriousness of the situation, which I totally appreciate. It’s difficult to comprehend something you haven’t seen or experienced for yourself. Admittedly, 20 year-old me wouldn’t understand either.

Life back then was very different. I was a night owl, regularly staying up until 4am and feeling fine the next day. I completed a coursework focused university degree, spending some days on campus from 9am – 9pm, followed by a 40 minute drive home. Though never a party girl, I did my fair share of drinking and socialising. Trips away with friends involving going out all day and every night, then clambering back to the hotel in the early hours just didn’t affect me. I had the energy and ability to do the things I wanted to do, and it was fun.

These days, it takes everything I have to get out of bed (assisted by carers) and shower.

It’s not the life I wanted or hoped for. But it’s all I have to work with. And yes, it does affect my mood, attitude, point of view and relationships.

A LOT of my time is spent resting. Of course, I would much rather be out, exploring, experiencing, making memories, living it up, and doing fun, daring, exciting activities. But I simply can’t.

Though I try to hide the severity of my condition, a select few people, whom I trust and am closest to, know how much I struggle.

I only told four people about my Covid diagnosis. Mainly because, well, it isn’t the happiest subject, is it! And right now, all of my resources are focused on recovery.

Inevitably, word gets around, and neighbours as well as family friends are also now aware. And they’ve been absolutely incredible.

Flowers from friends

To the people who expressed genuine concern, care and support – thank you so very much! You know who you are, and I value each and every one of you.

“Thinking of you” flowers

The generous gifts, cards and daily messages have been a huge comfort. I’ve even received medical supplies, vitamins and immune boosting supplements from friends! Real friends who step-up when life is pretty shitty.

Knowing that people care is worth more than anything in life.

My constant companion

To close this rather rambly and inarticulate post, I want to pay the biggest tribute to my parents, particularly my mum, who has patiently cared for me throughout, and not left my side. It’s not only my life that’s been put on hold by Covid, but theirs too.

For those who don’t know, I still live with my parents, in their home. It’s far from ideal and we do butt heads from time to time. But the love and loyalty is unconditional.

My mum is 67, suffers from arthritis, and, four years ago, underwent knee replacement surgery. She’s lead an incredibly challenging life, which I won’t go into. She is an UNPAID carer. She does not receive a single penny to care for me, and yet, she does it without question or complaint.

To whoever is reading this, please acknowledge the country’s thousands of unseen, undervalued, unpaid carers. Let’s raise awareness of the situation and show them some care, support and gratitude!

Those who work regular 9-5 jobs get to come home at the end of the day and relax. For family carers, the work never ends. It is relentless, grueling, and it impacts their lives as well as their mental and physical health.

Something has to change!

Riding the Wave | Lockdown Perspective

Disability Lifestyle & Lockdown

I was born with a rare, progressive form of muscular dystrophy. Besides being a non-ambulatory wheelchair-user, my condition comes with many other complications.

For me, being stuck at home for prolonged periods of time, due to chronic illness, is the norm. Hospital admissions, operations, cancelling plans and missing out on events and opportunities is a way of life.

Over the years, many birthdays, holidays and celebratory occasions have been lost to my condition. Whole months have been wiped out to repeated bouts of pneumonia, pleurisy and pneumothorax.

~ This is the case for thousands of disabled and chronically ill people throughout the UK! ~

I know what it is to struggle, to feel trapped, isolated and helpless. Such an existence really puts life into perspective and opens your eyes to what is truly important.

Attitudes to Lockdown Restrictions

Since lockdown began, I’ve seen and heard many petty complaints from ignorant individuals, which I find incredibly frustrating.

People whining about being unable to go out partying or bar hopping to get pissed.

To those self-absorbed cretins ~ GET OVER YOURSELVES!

Despite warnings, many continue to flout the rules, refuse to wear face masks and generally take life for granted, with little regard for the wellbeing of others. Some naively appear to think they’re invincible.

Trust me, it’s a hell of a lot easier to breathe through a protective face covering than a ventilator!

So please, have a little care and consideration. Protect yourself and others.

Abide!

My Perspective

During lockdown, I can honestly say I did not miss going to pubs, restaurants, cinemas, shops or salons. To me, these are life’s luxuries.

Yes, we all need that escapism and we all enjoy going out and socialising, myself included.

But, when the time comes to look back on my life, I’m pretty certain I won’t be thinking, “damn, I wish I’d done more pubbing and clubbing”.

The one thing I REALLY missed during lockdown was quality time and physical contact with my family and closest friends. Being able to sit with them, touch them, hug them and talk face-to-face.

~ It really isn’t what you do, it’s who you do it with. ~

Coronavirus UK | Still Shielding

 

This week, the UK government issued new measures to suppress the spread of Covid-19. From Monday 14th September, social gatherings will be limited to 6 people.

In all honesty, I can’t say I’m surprised at these restrictions. From my perspective, as a physically disabled shielder, it seemed inevitable.

Our government has actively encouraged people to return to work, to school, the High Street, the salon, the gym, to pubs and restaurants.

Of course, we all want a return to some sort of normality. And while it is essential we sustain our economy through supporting businesses and minimising unemployment, it would appear BoJo favours wealth over health.

Those at greater risk have been largely neglected; the elderly, disabled and those with underlying health issues.

Many, like myself, have been shielding since March. We have been isolated in our homes, watching the world go by from behind closed windows.

[Image Description: An elderly man in a care home looks out at a female relative from behind a closed window. A carer, wearing a face mask, sits beside the man]
[Image Description: An elderly man in a care home looks out at a female relative from behind a closed window. A carer, wearing a face mask, sits beside the man]
 

Some have endured months without medical support. Personal carers, though essential, pose a risk to the most vulnerable. And others are forced to leave work, since there is little to no support for disabled employees.

I am very fortunate to have been able to continue accessing my routine hospital appointments throughout lockdown.

Despite initial anxiety and fears from friends, I felt safe and protected during every one of my 6 hospital visits and 2 GP appointments since March – all thanks to our invaluable NHS.

[Image Description: Me, sitting in a hospital waiting room, wearing a face mask]
[Image Description: Me, sitting in a hospital waiting room, wearing a face mask]
 

However, after waiting almost a year for a much-needed respiratory referral, I fear my upcoming appointment may now be cancelled, due to the latest guidelines.

My discussions with various medical professionals over the past few months reveal concerns for a second lockdown around October.

With Flu season approaching, this warning poses an even greater strain and impact on the elderly, disabled and NHS.

Lockdown | Positive Thinking

I’ve read many trivial complaints on social media about the Coronavirus lockdown.

From park, pub and salon closures, postponed gigs and concerts, to cancelled botox, filler and wax appointments. Some are even moaning because they can’t race around and show off in their flashy cars. What a shame!

I appreciate we all have our own interests, outlets, coping mechanisms and methods of self-care. We all want to look and feel our best, and we all need somewhere to escape to.

But please, let’s try and keep things in perspective.

The current situation isn’t permanent. Of course, it’s tedious, stressful and frustrating, and will impact some considerably more than others. But it will pass and “normal” life will resume.

People on the frontline are literally risking their lives to help others – complete strangers. They are physically and mentally exhausted, yet keep going.

Carers continue to support the most vulnerable in society, despite the risk.

Key workers carry on working to ensure society functions and people are provided for.

On the upside, lockdown provides an opportunity for families to unite, spend quality time together and talk more.

But for others – men, women and children – being stuck in close proximity, unable to escape, can be a living hell.

The National Domestic Abuse helpline has seen a 25% increase in calls and online requests for help since lockdown began!

We all have problems and we are all entitled to feel and express what we need to in order to get through these trying times. Your experiences and frustrations are valid.

But please, keep in mind the medics, carers, key workers, the elderly, disabled, those living with domestic abusers and those separated from their loved ones.

Try to appreciate what you do have – for example, your health, home, and hope for the future.

When you’re feeling low, maybe write a list of all the positive things in your life and focus on that rather than the things you are currently missing out on.

Quote from Bob Dylan, "keep on keeping on"
Quote from Bob Dylan, “keep on keeping on”

One of Those Days…

Nosey Bints, Parking Tickets and Frustrating Phone Calls

They say bad luck comes in threes…or is it multiples of three? 

I’m generally fairly tolerant with day-to-day annoyances and ignorant people.

As a wheelchair-user, I’m used to complete strangers who feel entitled to stare or approach me for interrogation. They tend to be so ridiculous I choose to simply laugh it off.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, right.

But there are also times when my patience is wearing thin. Some days, I’m just not in the mood!

Today is one of those days.


I attended a routine hospital appointment and parked my Motability WAV in a disabled bay, with my blue badge clearly displayed, as usual.

As I reversed out of the WAV, I heard a woman stood directly behind me shouting, “I’m just having a nosey inside!”

*Cue eye-roll* Oh, feck off, lady!

I then waited in a small room crammed full of virally infested patients for well over an hour, only to be told the nurse I was due to see went home sick hours before. Which begs the question – why not inform me of this on arrival?!

I waited a further half an hour to be seen by another nurse. At least it wasn’t a wasted journey, I guess.

Having returned to my car, I was ever-so-slightly pissed off to find a parking ticket!

As soon as I got home, I logged-on to check out the meaning of this fuckery. As I suspected – no reason for issue, no explanation and no photo evidence.

Needless to say, I wrote a strongly worded appeal. Under no circumstances will I be paying this unjustified “parking charge”. No, just no!

Shortly after, I received a phone call from the CHC (Continuing Healthcare) department who claimed to have made a personal care payment back in the summer. They didn’t.

I won’t go into details (it’s a long story!) But my battle with Continuing Healthcare has been a lengthy and stressful one, with absolutely no benefit.

Okay, putting things into perspective, this isn’t the end of the world! I’m now sat watching cartoons with my beaut of a nephew. So it aint all bad!

As I say, some days you’re just not in the mood.

Tomorrow will be kinder…we hope!

Anyone got any rum??

Flu | The Facts

Influenza (flu) is a highly contagious and potentially life-threatening virus. The symptoms can develop very quickly and, in some cases, lead to more serious illnesses like bronchitis and pneumonia. It is so important to get vaccinated as soon as the flu season begins (before December ~ UK).

Who is eligible for a free NHS flu jab?

– Aged 65 and over
– Pregnant
– Weakened immune system
– Certain medical conditions e.g. asthma, COPD, diabetes, heart disease, neurological disease
– Carers
– Family members of/living with immunocompromised individuals
– Living in a long-stay residential care home facility
– Frontline health and social care workers
– Children over the age of 6 months with a long-term health condition
– Children 2 years +

Flu Facts:

– Up to 1/3 of flu deaths are in healthy people.
– Public Health England estimate that an average 8,000 people die from flu in England each year, although the figure can be much higher.
– The vaccine is thoroughly tested and has an excellent safety record. The most common side effect is mild soreness around the injection site.
– Getting your flu jab EVERY YEAR is the best way to protect yourself and those around you.
– You won’t be protected against any new strains of flu that may circulate each year unless you are vaccinated every year. Also, the protection from the vaccine declines over time.
– The risk of having a serious (anaphylactic) reaction to the flu jab is much lower than the risk of getting seriously ill from the flu itself.

Related Blog Posts:

Flu Jab: Get Yours Today!

Cough & Cold Season | Chest Infection

Winter | Top Tips to Keep Warm

Winter | Top Tips to Stay Well

Guest Post | NHS Funding

Resource Allocation: A classic medical ethics topic that often rears its head in the inevitable reality of working in a cash-strapped public healthcare system.

Should the NHS fund this new expensive treatment for a rare disease?

Should the government pay for a new experimental cancer treatments?

Should X procedure be on the NHS, or Y?

The list is endless.

This blog covers a few basic ideas and concepts for you to broaden your understanding of why things are done as they are, enhance your opinion and help you think of the bigger picture.

Utilitarianism

One way of analysing resource allocation is using a utilitarian approach. Utilitarianism describes the moral theory that the most moral action is that which maximises the happiness (or in this instance healthiness) of a population. This seems quite a nice logical and fair systematic approach, but has one major drawback.

How do you quantify the benefits gained from a specific treatment?

Fortunately, Alan Williams, a health economist calculated a measure for doing this – the Quality Adjusted Life Year. This system described not only the length of life a specific treatment can give a patient, but also factors in the subjective quality of that life.

Interestingly, some of the ‘best’ treatments by this system including cataract surgery and hip replacements, owing the massive improvement in life these can bring (even though they are rarely viewed as life extending). However, despite quantifying the ‘best value’ treatments, this system still has its drawbacks.

Firstly, many argue that this system ignores both the old, and the chronically ill. The old will have fewer ‘life years’ per treatment and the chronically ill will have a lower ‘quality of life’ per treatment by this system, and will thus lose priority in this system.

This a great concept to think about as many new drugs are for specific diseases, which are often rare and chronic, or those which affect the elderly. Secondly, ‘quality of life’ is a highly subjective term, and, although this system goes someway to quantify it, the end result is still a subjective rating score.

Egalitarianism

Another way of analysing these topics are through an egalitarian approach. This theory states that resources should be distributed equality unless an unequal distribution would work to everyone’s advantage. However, in reality, there is not unlimited funding and therefore equality of distribution means that expensive treatments (the new drugs often featuring questions) could not justifiably be funded.

This approach does promote a decent minimum standard of care (good for everyone) and some argue that more expensive treatments can be funded elsewhere. For example, charities and private companies could find a place in an egalitarian healthcare system to fund more niche treatments.

Libertarianism

Another viewpoint worth nothing (though one which many, especially in the UK, would be against) is that of libertarianism. This system states that healthcare should follow individual liberties and free market principles – i.e to be privatised. This is an interesting viewpoint to discuss, but, given the many drawback of private healthcare and the NHS in the UK, it’s not one we in the UK really consider.

So, there we have it, a few basic approaches to the classic question of ‘should we fund this expensive new drug’.


This guest blog post is provided courtesy of writer Adi Sen, from the website UniAdmissions.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author (UniAdmissions), and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of myself or any other organisation.

Guest Post | Hypothermia Prevention

Today I bring you another guest post from Michael Leavy, Managing Director of Home Healthcare Adaptations, a family-run company that specialises in adapting homes for the elderly and less abled.

Michael kindly provided a previous guest post, (How Seniors Can Feel More Secure At Home), which you can view here.

Infographic | How to prevent hypothermia in older people

The risk of hypothermia is at its highest during the winter months. That risk is even greater for elderly people, as their lower metabolic rate makes it harder for their bodies to retain an ideal temperature. Also, they might not detect extreme cold as readily as others, and could have chronic medical conditions which would exacerbate the onset of hypothermia.

If you see signs of hypothermia in an elderly relative, keep them as warm as possible. If the situation seems serious, call NHS 111 for expert advice and guidance.


The infographic below from Home Healthcare Adaptations explains what to do if you think someone is experiencing hypothermia, along with preventative measures they can take to reduce the likelihood of hypothermia.

The harsh winter months affect a high population of the UK with a spate of Flu and other seasonal illnesses. But for the elderly and immobile, freezing conditions can lead to far more serious conditions requiring hospitalisation.

Elderly people are generally at greater risk of hypothermia than most others for several reasons. Their lower metabolic rate makes it harder for their bodies to regulate temperature in cold weather, while the presence of chronic health conditions reduces their immunity to hypothermia. Also, a deterioration in the senses could make it more difficult for an elderly person to detect decreases in temperature, hence they might not take immediate preventative action.

If you have elderly/immobile relatives or neighbours, check in on them throughout the colder months to ensure they aren’t showing any warning signs of hypothermia.

Symptoms of hypothermia include:

  • A rapid deterioration in physical appearance.
  • Extreme shivering or an occurrence of sudden, inexplicable body movements.

If you notice any of these in an elderly person during cold weather, call 999 straight away and, while waiting for the emergency services to arrive, move them to a warm place and wrap them in a warm blanket or coat.

Don’t put them in a warm bath or give them an alcoholic or caffeinated beverage!