Disability & Self Worth | You are not unloveable

I think most people living with a chronic illness, disability or mental health issue can relate to this quote, at least to some extent. I know I do.

I am limited by my physical disability (congenital muscular dystrophy), despite the claims by some that you can do anything if you just try hard enough. As a non-ambulatory wheelchair-user with a muscle-wasting condition, I’m afraid there are certain things I cannot do.

I am heavily reliant on others to carry out daily activities such as cooking, cleaning, locking doors, opening and closing windows and so on. I also need help with personal care tasks like getting in and out of bed, dressing and bathing. This can be undignified, thus affecting my confidence and making me feel incredibly self-conscious and utterly undesirable. After all, who wants their boyfriend to shower them?!

I HATE asking people to do things for me, as I then feel a burden, a nuisance, an annoyance. Having to ask people to simply open a bottle or a can at the grand old age of 30 is frankly embarrassing (for me).

Sometimes I refuse to speak up and request help. Call it pride or sheer stubbornness. But there are other times I have no choice. Like it or not, I have to ask, to instruct, to explain.

For the most part, I’ve managed to conceal the extent of my disability from those around me. Many people, friends included, think I am much more able and independent than I actually am. Again, put it down to pride. But there are some people I can’t hide this from. Family members, of course, but also anyone I am romantically involved with.

Due to the nature of my disability and all the added extras – care requirements, dependency, restrictions, the inability to be spontaneous – I always believed myself to be undeserving of love. I genuinely thought *think* of myself as an unnecessary burden. Why would anyone put up with me, my weak, crooked body and all of my baggage when they could choose to be with someone else?

As a result of this and a lifetime of rejection, I put up barriers and distanced myself from society; a form of self preservation. Being told repeatedly that I’m not good enough, I’m “no one’s type”, and “too much to take on” has made quite a negative impression on my self-esteem.

Now, I don’t want to ramble or get too personal. But I am slowly starting to trust and believe I am worthy of love and companionship.

They say there’s someone for everyone. The cynical part of me still questions this. But maybe, just maybe, there is.

It takes an extra special person to accept me and my care needs. To take on, without question, a pretty drastic lifestyle change. To see past the wheelchair, the crooked body, the medical equipment and the disability itself, and simply love me for me, unconditionally. To try to convince me every day that I’m not undesirable, unloveable or a burden. People like this are rare, but they are out there!

Guest Post | 7 Tips to Live a Confident Life Through Your Disability

Author: Jamie Costello

It’s fair to say that one of the biggest challenges of being born with a disability is that it can be difficult to be who you are without thinking of the physical condition that you’ve been born with. It’s not hard to understand why a disability can knock the confidence from you. Many individuals can find it difficult to adjust to life that requires a major change to their day to day routines and tasks. This can make it more difficult for an individual with a disability to feel confident in themselves. However, some useful insights may be useful in picking up your confidence and helping you for the future.

1. Don’t live up to the expectations others have of you

When people look at those with a disability or injury, they tend to have pretty low expectations of you because of how you look or the disadvantage that you may have. But their judgements are wrong about you. You may have a lot to juggle on your plate such as school or work and you’ll need to learn new skills that can help you to adapt with your disability. But in learning these it will definitely help you for the future. Essentially, don’t let your disability bring you down and don’t be afraid to try new things.

2. Don’t compare yourself to something else

Everybody has aspirations and you shouldn’t let any condition you have prevent you from reaching them. There’s nothing wrong with being ambitious but also be realistic about your future goals. You know what you’re capable of and you’re sure able to do it. Don’t let others influence this.

3. Doctors don’t necessarily know everything

Medical professionals do a fantastic job and their skills are to be admired in what they do, but there can be occasions where they don’t necessarily have all the answers that you’re looking for. You know yourself pretty well and there will be others around you who know you pretty well too. Don’t let the advice of doctors get you down and in some cases, consider doing what you think is right as it can normally be the right decision.

4. Be open to bringing in new people

Due to your circumstances, it’s likely that you’ll come across and be introduced to new people in wonderful ways. It may form some of your greatest friendships but at the same time, you may come across some people who will find it difficult to accept you. Don’t let this get you down and force yourself to get them to like you. Stick with the people who feel comfortable with you and you feel comfortable with.

5. Others may be afraid to be honest with you

People around you may have a feeling of sensitivity around you and the fear that they may hurt your feelings. A lot of positive comments is great to hear and can be great for your self-esteem, but at the same time it might not be a great help. You’d also want people around you who speak honestly with you and they’re more likely being that way to benefit you. The majority of the time, they’ll be the one that you want to go back to for further advice and perspective.

6. Don’t be too critical of yourself

Consider the situation that you’re in and how there are very few people who are in the same boat. The fact you’re continuing to enjoy life even though you have a disability already shows good character. Be confident in the fact that you’re knowledgeable on elements of life that others have no clue about. The qualities that you have as a person are the majority of what’s needed to get by in life.

7. Continue to exercise and keep hydrated

Do whatever it takes to remain active. Consider taking up sports that are adaptive to those with disabilities, and save yourself from being a couch potato. It can help to mentally improve your wellbeing.

Self-esteem and confidence is a large issue in today’s society, particularly when it comes to the impact it can have to your mental health too. When we think of other topics surrounding these issues, a big one being individuals resorting to cosmetic surgery to improve their appearance, a lot of these options are extremely unnecessary because regardless of the condition that you have or how you look, embracing who you are is always the best way to move forward and gain the confidence you deserve.