Disability & Self Worth | You are not unloveable

I think most people living with a chronic illness, disability or mental health issue can relate to this quote, at least to some extent. I know I do.

I am limited by my physical disability (congenital muscular dystrophy), despite the claims by some that you can do anything if you just try hard enough. As a non-ambulatory wheelchair-user with a muscle-wasting condition, I’m afraid there are certain things I cannot do.

I am heavily reliant on others to carry out daily activities such as cooking, cleaning, locking doors, opening and closing windows and so on. I also need help with personal care tasks like getting in and out of bed, dressing and bathing. This can be undignified, thus affecting my confidence and making me feel incredibly self-conscious and utterly undesirable. After all, who wants their boyfriend to shower them?!

I HATE asking people to do things for me, as I then feel a burden, a nuisance, an annoyance. Having to ask people to simply open a bottle or a can at the grand old age of 30 is frankly embarrassing (for me).

Sometimes I refuse to speak up and request help. Call it pride or sheer stubbornness. But there are other times I have no choice. Like it or not, I have to ask, to instruct, to explain.

For the most part, I’ve managed to conceal the extent of my disability from those around me. Many people, friends included, think I am much more able and independent than I actually am. Again, put it down to pride. But there are some people I can’t hide this from. Family members, of course, but also anyone I am romantically involved with.

Due to the nature of my disability and all the added extras – care requirements, dependency, restrictions, the inability to be spontaneous – I always believed myself to be undeserving of love. I genuinely thought *think* of myself as an unnecessary burden. Why would anyone put up with me, my weak, crooked body and all of my baggage when they could choose to be with someone else?

As a result of this and a lifetime of rejection, I put up barriers and distanced myself from society; a form of self preservation. Being told repeatedly that I’m not good enough, I’m “no one’s type”, and “too much to take on” has made quite a negative impression on my self-esteem.

Now, I don’t want to ramble or get too personal. But I am slowly starting to trust and believe I am worthy of love and companionship.

They say there’s someone for everyone. The cynical part of me still questions this. But maybe, just maybe, there is.

It takes an extra special person to accept me and my care needs. To take on, without question, a pretty drastic lifestyle change. To see past the wheelchair, the crooked body, the medical equipment and the disability itself, and simply love me for me, unconditionally. To try to convince me every day that I’m not undesirable, unloveable or a burden. People like this are rare, but they are out there!

NAIDEX 2019

So, this year I managed to make it to the first day of Naidex, having last visited over a decade ago!

For those of you who aren’t familiar, Naidex is Europe’s biggest trade, professional and public exhibition for all things disability and independent living.

Fortunately for me, it is hosted fairly locally at the Birmingham NEC, which is around an hour’s drive from where I live.

First thing’s first, I was pleasantly surprised to find that disabled parking was free – winner, winner! For all other events attended at the NEC, the parking charge is a hefty £10.

I’ll be honest, my main reason for visiting Naidex 45 was to meetup with a few friends, including fellow #MDBloggersCrew member, Fi Anderson.

Fi Anderson outside the Changing Places facility, at Birmingham’s NEC
Happy to see a Changing Places facility at Birmingham’s NEC!

Together we did a few laps of the place, trying our best not to bump into people. In fact, within the first 10 minutes of arrival, some bloke cleverly decided to walk backwards and very nearly fell on top of me. Thankfully he was young and not unattractive, so I didn’t mind so much.

It was a challenge to navigate the crowds, making it difficult to approach people and stop to chat. I spotted a few familiar faces but was only able to talk to a few, unfortunately. I did manage to briefly catch up with Mr twodoughnuts, though he wasn’t overly impressed with his first experience of Naidex. I have to say, I agree with his assessment!

For those of you planning to attend Naidex in the future, I would advise pre-planning your route as it’s tricky to locate specific stalls amongst the crowds and chaos!

As disorganised as it was, I was gutted that I couldn’t be there for the second and final day, purely because my mate SimplyEmma was judging on the Changing Lives Award panel!

SimplyEmma (far right) judging on the Changing Lives Award panel at Naidex 45

Would I go again?

Honestly, it depends who’s going! It’s a good excuse to meetup with friends and fellow disability bloggers from all over the UK. And, it would be nice to represent the #MDBloggersCrew (properly) at some point. But otherwise, it wasn’t really my cuppa.

Just a few magazines, leaflets and flyers collected at Naidex 45

If you attended Naidex 45, let me know what you thought by leaving a comment! 

Wench Wars | Disney Villains

1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a WENCH WAR!!

Daily, we’re bombarded with news stories of sadness, badness and madness. Sometimes, you just need a little escapism and light relief to raise a smile. What better way than a Disney villains showdown with the cleverest of clever little wenches, Miss Lucy-Lu Hudson!

I’m already battling it out with fellow MD’er, Mitch (twodoughnuts) in a series of ‘Top 5’ blog posts. So far, we’ve debated our favourite songs and actors. I apologise in advance for Mr twodoughnuts ~ he’s so very young and uncultured!

Mitch’s Top 5 Songs (bleurgh!)

My Top 5 Songs (yay!)

Mitch’s Top 5 Actors (meh)

My Top 5 Actors (fine choices, indeed!)


So, my wise wench of a friend, Lucy, kicked things off with her pick of the Top 5 Disney villains (damn, she’s good!)

Here, I attempt to take her down with my comeback (well, it is a wench war!) Though, I freely admit, I think she’s got this first round in the bag. Let us know what you think…!

Top 5 Disney Villains

1. Chernabog, Fantasia (1940)

This is without doubt the darkest and most menacing sequence in Disney history. I was only three or four when I first saw Fantasia. I swear, even at that age I thought it was one hell of a trippy film!

The demonic Chernabog (funky name, right?), based on Slavic folklore, is God of the Night. He is the representation of pure evil, with fearsome wings that form the peak of Bald Mountain, which leers ominously over the village below.

As night descends, the delighful Mr Chernabog unleashes hellish realms and summons sinful spirits to watch them dance maniacally. He then throws them into the mountain’s fiery pit before a new day dawns. Well, that’s not nice at all is it!

I’m flipping glad I don’t live in that village!

How is this a kids film, seriously?!

2. Claude Frollo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

I was eight when this was released. To this day, it’s one of my Mum’s favourite Disney films. But call me crazy, I think it’s all a bit much for kids of that age, with hard-hitting, mature themes including religion, sin, lust and genocide!

(Sorry folks, there are no happy-clappy, ‘bibbidi bobbidi boo’ moments in The Hunchback of Notre Dame!)

From Disney’s ‘Cinderella’

I’ll be honest, it still freaks me out. Not least because of the lack of magical element so typical of animated Disney features. Okay, so there are talking gargoyles, but hey, they needed something to lighten the mood a little!

Frollo, Paris’ Minister of Justice (oh, the irony), is the first Disney villain to attempt infanticide, having almost drowned a newborn, only to be stopped by the archdeacon who accuses the corrupt official of murdering the baby’s innocent gypsy mother. To atone for his sin, Frollo begrudgingly agrees to raise the child as his own. He cruelly names the baby Quasimodo, meaning ‘half-formed’. (Dave would have been a better choice, surely?!)

The manipulative Frollo hides Quasi away in the bell tower, excluding him from society, telling him he will never be accepted by the world due to his unusual physical appearance. What an ass!

Unlike other Disney Villians – often magical and mythical – Frollo the super-creep is so threatening and unnerving because he is such a realistic representation. He is, after all, just a man. A pervy old man (oi, Esmeralda, be mine or you can burn!) fuelled by power, skewed religious motives and a licentious desire for busty babe Esmeralda.

3. Evil Queen, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

She’s the original diva bitch, driven by vanity, and all credit to her, she’s got one hell of a pout going on!

I can’t help but be on the side of the Evil Queen who so easily outwits squeaky-voiced, simple Snowy (never trust a girl who shares a house with seven old men. Methinks she’s not quite as pure as snow!).

Yes, she’s gone to all the effort of transforming into a horrifyingly wretched old wench. But y’know, needs must!

If THAT poked it’s head through your front window and tried to tempt you with a juicy red apple, would you willingly take a bite? Or would you tell the interfering, hook-nosed, eye-bulging wrinkly to buggar off?!

I rest my case. Snowy, it’s your own bloody fault, love!

4. Professor Ratigan, Basil the Great Mouse Detective (1986)

Arch-nemesis to the famous mouse detective Basil of Baker Street, crimimal mastermind Ratigan is a comically ruthless brute. For one thing, he is voiced by horror legend Vincent Price (Michael Jackson’s Thriller, anyone?!).

A status-obsessed professional crime lord, his ultimate ambition is to overthrow the mousey monarch and proclaim himself “supreme ruler of all MOUSEDOM”. Aim high, I say! 

Unflinchingly wicked, conniving and with no morals, it is revealed in his singy-songy dance number that he previously drowned widows and orphans. What a pleasant chappy! 

Ratigan declares himself to be a “superior mind”, yet is angered when called a rat by intoxicated minion Bartholemew, despite the fact he is indeed a rat. The clue’s in the name, dude! 

His extravagantly ostentatious appearance conceals an intimidatingly feral visciousness. Though generally maliciously cheerful, calm and composed, his manacingly savage violence is unleashed in a shocking final showdown with heroic Basil.

5. Mad Madam Mim, The Sword in the Stone (1963)

“I find delight in the gruesome and grim
‘Cause I’m the magnificent, marvelous
Mad Madam Mim” ~ A bit morbid there, love!

The eccentric, shape-shifting Mim is a proper tricksy wench witch, and rival to the legendary wizard Merlin. We’re introduced to the purple-haired hag when young Arthur, in the form of a bird, mistakenly flies into her not-so-classy abode. Having declared his alliance to the all-powerful Merlin, Mad Madam Mim attempts to “destroy” the boy. Seems fairly reasonable to me!

For all her arrogance and mischievousness, I can’t help but root for the haggered old biddy. I mean, for one thing, she has purple hair! (I remember, as a young kid, being fascinated with an elderly neighbour who had a purple rinse. Super cool!)

The villainous Mim is LOUD, bat-shit crazy and pessimistic yet playful. A ditzy and deceitful game-player, she repeatedly cackles, “I win, I win” – as do I when defeating Mr twodoughnuts at ‘Blog Wars‘.


Thanks for reading!